9:49 p.m. August 10

I have always been terrible at keeping a journal.. Well we just got a laptop and now I can talk about my life while im in bed.
Im going through a terrible time in my life, and to be quiet frank, sometimes I don't even want to live these days.. I found out that my husband has been living a seperate lie our whole marriage! I havent felt anything more terrible in my life.. He has been looking at pornography. What the freaking heck? Arent I good enough? Arent I pretty enough? I take care of our kids all day long and sometimes most of the nights because our kids don't sleep well at all.. and to repay me you go and f*** yourself? Tonight has been a bad night, I feel like Satan is getting to me and I cant let him! I have to write or tell someone my feeling sometime, and so I felt likeI wanted to start writing all these feelings down as a way for me to vent..
I decided that I really want this marriage to work, so I don't want to give up.. But days like this I want to say TA TA BRANDON, IM OFF TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE.. Then I have to say to myself I dont trust any man alive! Pornography is the sickest thing out there, and I hate it so much! I read this talk by Richard G. Scott and it's called the Sanctity of Womenhood.. It has changed my life, I have now realized how amazing women really are. Take Opra for example, the most successfull person alive almost. She is an amazing women and without a doubt will continue to help women till the day she dies. How does she do it? I still have so much to work on a person, mother, wife, and as a women. If I could make a difference in this world for women I would in a second! I wish I could tell every porn star out there how special they really are, I would. I have realized we act and dress the way we do, because men have such an impact on us, we want to make them want us so we pose as porn stars, dress imodestly or like sluts as I like to call it, when in the huge picture we don't need to. In that talk by President Scott he tells all men that if they treat women disrespectfully they will pay. If they rob us of our womenhood, they will pay! If I could only tell women that pose or even go to the store without a bra on, they are killing my marriage and thousands of other marriages! I do have to say that in the past when I was wanting to be accepted by a male in high school or epecially after high school,I wanted to be sluty, I wanted to give myself up because I wanted someone to want me.. I did give myself up to 10 to many guys.. including my husband before we were married.. how I regret that so much! I can never take that back!
For the first time I have said to myself I am so thankful for these garments that I wear! For how they keep me modest! I also say to myself I hope the second coming comes anyday now because im ready for all this hurt and pain to leave me! I don't care what it brings, please come fast and take all of us so that we can live in Heaven with our Heavenly Father and our older brother Jesus Christ! I hate this life.. I don't want my little boy growing up and turning into a pervert like his dad or everyother man in this world.. I also don't want my little girl to feel this pain that I am going through, to think that she has to give herself up to be accepted! This world is a rated R movie like people say, and I hate it!
My Faith is really being tried these days, and I need the strength to turn everything over to our Father in Heaven and say "okay im ready, I need to turn this over to you, I can't even beging to do this by myself anymore!" PlEASE HELP ME I CANT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU FATHER!
~B~