10:39 p.m. August 16

We all went to utah this weekend, and had such a good time! We left Sat morning at 2 and got to grandmas house at 8:30. It was our "Benson Family reunion" and Greg was in charge of it thise year! We were supposed to go boating, but as we pulled into town, we soon figured out that, that wasnt going to happen because of the black clouds that were rolling in. We all had "grandma's pancakes" and hash browns and eggs.. Then we all just sat around and talked about different things! I love my family so much, and im so thankful that I was blessed to come to this family. I love my grandparents so much! My grandma is one of my very best friends! I have to say that I am thankful that Emily is in our family as well. I love her so much and she is more like a sister than an aunt to me. I love talking and laughing with her, she always has ment so much to me. I love all my family, even the ones that arent always nice to me.
We went boating as the weather cleared up. It was Brandon.. myself.. Jax.. Aiden.. John and Greg. The water was to cold for me, but Brandon got right in and was loving the tube. It really was actually fun to just sit and watch him bounce around and smile! I love to see Brandon really happy! Honestly it really means a lot to me. I tried the tube with Brandon, but I just dont like that feeling of no control and bouncing all over the place. Jaxon got in for just a second and tried out the tube with Bran but quickly changed his mind and became scared when the tube seemed to be sinking. John was actually so nice to me, and it really made me feel good.
I have to say that the highlight of my whole weekend was, playing steal the flag. I under estimated everyone with my speed.. ha ha.. Nick thinks he is so fast, well look who is faster brother.. ha.. I was just fun! I love Mark so much. He is such a nice person and so fun to be around. Mike, john, colby, emily, me, brandon, brooks, grace, savannah, nick, Ian, Mikell, and Tony all played. It was so much fun I could have played all night! That is one night ill never forget. Once again I loved seeing Brandon out doing something that I enjoy doing with me, and It seemed like he really was having a fun time!
I really have to keep trying to get myself to a point of not having anger towards him.. moments during the day if i let my mind wonder I become very angry towards him.. I remember all my hurt and all the lies that he told me. it really hurts to know that he betrayed me and lied to me over and over. But I want and need to get to a point where I put the hurt aside, I know it will never go away but I have to no be so angry or things will never get any better! I am trying to remember that I need to pray often! At that 12 step class I was told that to recieve help and recieve answers I need to pray more than I ever have in my life. I am so thankful for Brother and Sister Creel and I can't wait to see them again this week.. I do have to say, that I wish I could just see them for a visit, because i'm not so excited to go and sit in a room with a bunch of pornographic perverts! I don't understand pornography, and I never want to! I hate it more than anything besides an actual afair. It makes me so mad, but I just need to endure to the end and than I know that everything will be okay.
My goal for tomorrow and the rest of the week is:
1. Get Brandon a gift because I am wanting to get him something every week hopfully as an insentive to keep up the good work, and also to show my love for him.
2. Find and do some service for someone.
3. Get my laundry folded and put away!

I know my Savior lives, and Loves me! I am so thankful for him in my life and also the gospel as well! I am so thankful for my family and friends and how much they love and support me! I love my kids, and as much as I am hurt by Brandon I really do love him as well!