So last night was our thurday night softball games. I have loved playing, I have come so far from feeling insecure with myself being up to bat. I was thinking last night, that I probably wouldn't have played because I wouldn't want everyone watching me and thinking i'm ugly. The first game I played in, when I got up to bat I was shaking so bad and was so nervous! Now I get nervous just from the pressure but not that people are looking at me, cause we all look the same up there! Anyways I have done well. Good for never playing before. I usually hit the ball everytime just about, and I can run fast so I usually make it on base.
We have been going to the 12 step meeting right before going and playing.. The last two weeks I havent really been in the mood to play. Im sad and upset and I dont feel lke faking a smile. Last night was different though, I have been really trying to have a better additude! I want a to be better about my additude just in life, let alone brandons problem.
Well anyways and for the play of the game...
So I had started switching playing in the outfield with Ashley, We both hate it but someone has to play the position! So we both had been switching off playing right field. I hate it! I missed two balls because I don't know how to judge where the ball is going. It sucks I feel just like a huge retard! Well I played the position twice, and then decided I wanted to play center so I could be by Adam or Brandon so they could cover for me and I wouldn't have to get the ball. Well Ashley begged me to go out, so I did. Adam was out there with me so I felt somewhat okay. So the first guys that got up hits it to right field and I say to myself thank heavens I switched. Then another guy gets up and hits it right at me, Shit is what I say, as i'm calling for Adam to come and save me, I put my glove out and try to get the ball but I miss judge it and it goes right over my head and falls.. I felt like a retard! then a girl gets up and gets on base and then a guy gets on base. So the next guy to get up was this huge man that looked like one of those bullys that get up and brakes the bat on his head and hits a homerun by swinging with one hand.. Well ofcourse he swings and hits the ball right at me again! Once again I saw "Shit Adam come and get this ball... Well my the Angels in the outfield helped me, and by a huge miracle I CAUGHT THE BALL! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA I don't know how I did it, so thats why I say the Angels in the outfield helped me. Everyone cheered and screamed! I thought they were just screaming because the retard caught the ball! Well little did I know because I wasnt paying attention, if I hadn't caught that ball the other team would have won and the game would have been over! I believe that it also sent us to the finals.. Ha what the heck, that kind of stuff doesn't happen to me, some of the guys were yelling ESPN.. Ha I didnt know what to do, I get so shy at those kind of situations!
The feeling I had inside was so good! I felt so good by people I don't really even know. It is what I need last night! Thank you Angels in the outfield! You made my night and week!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
1:42 p.m. August 20th
So I have had to change my additude a lot lately.. I pray that it stays, because I have found that a positive aadditude is the only way that will help you be on top rn everything and stay positive!
Yes ofcourse I am still hurt, and I still am upset, but I have finally figured out I think how to turn everything over to the Lord. I can't babysit brandon anymore, this whole shinannagan is out of my control, and it's only up to him to decide if he wants to have a good life! I have been really trying to study my 12 step book, and do and follow what they suggest. Brandon hasn' t, an dhe says "Well I just don't like to read, and it's just not me to do these kind of things." Well Brandon look at where you have gotten yourself maybe because you haven't taken the time to do things right.
I just watched a show called 17 again. Zack Effron is VERY hot I have to say. It's about Matthew Perry who has lost his wife and kids because of selfish thoughts and acts that he has or hasn't done. He finds himself in a position to say that he wishes he could go back to high school and do everything over again. His wish comes true, and he turns into the same lookin kid he used to look like.. He figures that he can try to relive his high school years all over agian.. Well to make a long movie short, he realizes by helping his kids get through high school and by seeing what he is missing in his life, that he needs to change and remember whats important to him, and thats his wife and kids. I teared up at the end, no suprise, but I did because I only wish that that could be Brandon! But sadly to say, I dont think that will ever be him! he has to much pride and to many issues that require putting 3,000 percent of effort into things, and so far he is only putting 1,500 percent. I figure that I have to do everything possible to make this right for myself, and for my kids. I have to do everything possible to get us where we need to be, and if Brandon doesn't stay up with us, well than I guess he has made the decision for us.
Yes ofcourse I am still hurt, and I still am upset, but I have finally figured out I think how to turn everything over to the Lord. I can't babysit brandon anymore, this whole shinannagan is out of my control, and it's only up to him to decide if he wants to have a good life! I have been really trying to study my 12 step book, and do and follow what they suggest. Brandon hasn' t, an dhe says "Well I just don't like to read, and it's just not me to do these kind of things." Well Brandon look at where you have gotten yourself maybe because you haven't taken the time to do things right.
I just watched a show called 17 again. Zack Effron is VERY hot I have to say. It's about Matthew Perry who has lost his wife and kids because of selfish thoughts and acts that he has or hasn't done. He finds himself in a position to say that he wishes he could go back to high school and do everything over again. His wish comes true, and he turns into the same lookin kid he used to look like.. He figures that he can try to relive his high school years all over agian.. Well to make a long movie short, he realizes by helping his kids get through high school and by seeing what he is missing in his life, that he needs to change and remember whats important to him, and thats his wife and kids. I teared up at the end, no suprise, but I did because I only wish that that could be Brandon! But sadly to say, I dont think that will ever be him! he has to much pride and to many issues that require putting 3,000 percent of effort into things, and so far he is only putting 1,500 percent. I figure that I have to do everything possible to make this right for myself, and for my kids. I have to do everything possible to get us where we need to be, and if Brandon doesn't stay up with us, well than I guess he has made the decision for us.
Monday, August 17, 2009
9:31 a.m. August 17 2009
I had a terrible night last night! I couldn't sleep, because of anxiety and just worries! Brandon seems to think that its just me doing that to myself. Well that's not true! I had a dream last night that was a little disturbing and I wish I didn't have these dreams.. It was about someone other than Brandon, and when I wake up I feel mad and upset and mamybe embarasses that I have these dreams. I didn't have sex in this dream and i'm glad about that because that would have made my morning worse. I can't tell Brandon because then he never lets me live it down, just like last time I told him I had a dream like this.
We are supposed to go and see brad today, and for some reason im nervous. I hate this feeling that I have inside myself! I can't do this, I have to remember to turn this over to the Lord and have Faith.. I can't stop this all together by myself, it just wont happen. I can try as hard as I can, and i'm sure it will make a difference but only Brandon and the Lord have the power to stop this completely! It is just so hard to do!
My mom let Jaxon take Nicks fish tank home, we told him that he can go and get a couple fish today. He is so excited, he is asking me about fish right now as we speak! ha ha
I have so much to do before Brandon gets home, go to costco, and get the dogs, and finish getting ready.
We are supposed to go and see brad today, and for some reason im nervous. I hate this feeling that I have inside myself! I can't do this, I have to remember to turn this over to the Lord and have Faith.. I can't stop this all together by myself, it just wont happen. I can try as hard as I can, and i'm sure it will make a difference but only Brandon and the Lord have the power to stop this completely! It is just so hard to do!
My mom let Jaxon take Nicks fish tank home, we told him that he can go and get a couple fish today. He is so excited, he is asking me about fish right now as we speak! ha ha
I have so much to do before Brandon gets home, go to costco, and get the dogs, and finish getting ready.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
10:39 p.m. August 16
We all went to utah this weekend, and had such a good time! We left Sat morning at 2 and got to grandmas house at 8:30. It was our "Benson Family reunion" and Greg was in charge of it thise year! We were supposed to go boating, but as we pulled into town, we soon figured out that, that wasnt going to happen because of the black clouds that were rolling in. We all had "grandma's pancakes" and hash browns and eggs.. Then we all just sat around and talked about different things! I love my family so much, and im so thankful that I was blessed to come to this family. I love my grandparents so much! My grandma is one of my very best friends! I have to say that I am thankful that Emily is in our family as well. I love her so much and she is more like a sister than an aunt to me. I love talking and laughing with her, she always has ment so much to me. I love all my family, even the ones that arent always nice to me.
We went boating as the weather cleared up. It was Brandon.. myself.. Jax.. Aiden.. John and Greg. The water was to cold for me, but Brandon got right in and was loving the tube. It really was actually fun to just sit and watch him bounce around and smile! I love to see Brandon really happy! Honestly it really means a lot to me. I tried the tube with Brandon, but I just dont like that feeling of no control and bouncing all over the place. Jaxon got in for just a second and tried out the tube with Bran but quickly changed his mind and became scared when the tube seemed to be sinking. John was actually so nice to me, and it really made me feel good.
I have to say that the highlight of my whole weekend was, playing steal the flag. I under estimated everyone with my speed.. ha ha.. Nick thinks he is so fast, well look who is faster brother.. ha.. I was just fun! I love Mark so much. He is such a nice person and so fun to be around. Mike, john, colby, emily, me, brandon, brooks, grace, savannah, nick, Ian, Mikell, and Tony all played. It was so much fun I could have played all night! That is one night ill never forget. Once again I loved seeing Brandon out doing something that I enjoy doing with me, and It seemed like he really was having a fun time!
I really have to keep trying to get myself to a point of not having anger towards him.. moments during the day if i let my mind wonder I become very angry towards him.. I remember all my hurt and all the lies that he told me. it really hurts to know that he betrayed me and lied to me over and over. But I want and need to get to a point where I put the hurt aside, I know it will never go away but I have to no be so angry or things will never get any better! I am trying to remember that I need to pray often! At that 12 step class I was told that to recieve help and recieve answers I need to pray more than I ever have in my life. I am so thankful for Brother and Sister Creel and I can't wait to see them again this week.. I do have to say, that I wish I could just see them for a visit, because i'm not so excited to go and sit in a room with a bunch of pornographic perverts! I don't understand pornography, and I never want to! I hate it more than anything besides an actual afair. It makes me so mad, but I just need to endure to the end and than I know that everything will be okay.
My goal for tomorrow and the rest of the week is:
1. Get Brandon a gift because I am wanting to get him something every week hopfully as an insentive to keep up the good work, and also to show my love for him.
2. Find and do some service for someone.
3. Get my laundry folded and put away!
I know my Savior lives, and Loves me! I am so thankful for him in my life and also the gospel as well! I am so thankful for my family and friends and how much they love and support me! I love my kids, and as much as I am hurt by Brandon I really do love him as well!
We went boating as the weather cleared up. It was Brandon.. myself.. Jax.. Aiden.. John and Greg. The water was to cold for me, but Brandon got right in and was loving the tube. It really was actually fun to just sit and watch him bounce around and smile! I love to see Brandon really happy! Honestly it really means a lot to me. I tried the tube with Brandon, but I just dont like that feeling of no control and bouncing all over the place. Jaxon got in for just a second and tried out the tube with Bran but quickly changed his mind and became scared when the tube seemed to be sinking. John was actually so nice to me, and it really made me feel good.
I have to say that the highlight of my whole weekend was, playing steal the flag. I under estimated everyone with my speed.. ha ha.. Nick thinks he is so fast, well look who is faster brother.. ha.. I was just fun! I love Mark so much. He is such a nice person and so fun to be around. Mike, john, colby, emily, me, brandon, brooks, grace, savannah, nick, Ian, Mikell, and Tony all played. It was so much fun I could have played all night! That is one night ill never forget. Once again I loved seeing Brandon out doing something that I enjoy doing with me, and It seemed like he really was having a fun time!
I really have to keep trying to get myself to a point of not having anger towards him.. moments during the day if i let my mind wonder I become very angry towards him.. I remember all my hurt and all the lies that he told me. it really hurts to know that he betrayed me and lied to me over and over. But I want and need to get to a point where I put the hurt aside, I know it will never go away but I have to no be so angry or things will never get any better! I am trying to remember that I need to pray often! At that 12 step class I was told that to recieve help and recieve answers I need to pray more than I ever have in my life. I am so thankful for Brother and Sister Creel and I can't wait to see them again this week.. I do have to say, that I wish I could just see them for a visit, because i'm not so excited to go and sit in a room with a bunch of pornographic perverts! I don't understand pornography, and I never want to! I hate it more than anything besides an actual afair. It makes me so mad, but I just need to endure to the end and than I know that everything will be okay.
My goal for tomorrow and the rest of the week is:
1. Get Brandon a gift because I am wanting to get him something every week hopfully as an insentive to keep up the good work, and also to show my love for him.
2. Find and do some service for someone.
3. Get my laundry folded and put away!
I know my Savior lives, and Loves me! I am so thankful for him in my life and also the gospel as well! I am so thankful for my family and friends and how much they love and support me! I love my kids, and as much as I am hurt by Brandon I really do love him as well!
Friday, August 14, 2009
9:16 P.M. August 14
So im going to ruin all of this, This whole week I have bee crazy! How is this happening? Last week I was so normal I couldn't even believe it, It was almost as if I had totally forgiven Brandon of what has happend..
What Is going on with me? I feel like it's Satan that is attacking me and telling me to feel terrible and to hate Brandon. I have no patience what so ever, and I almost hate even looking at brandon.. Well all that has to change right now because Satan is going to ruin this marriage for us, and I know he wants to so bad! I just told Brandon that it feels as if I have hit rock bottom like I did 6 years ago the night that I almost ruined my life!
My dad told me I had to figure out what I wanted.
- did I want my life to change?
-Did I want to stop drugs and drinking?
- Did I want to get married?
- Did I want help?
-Did I want the church in my life?
Now I feel like I have to ask myself almost all of those same questions all over again.
Yes I so badly want my life to change for the better!
Yes I want help so badly, thats why I am going to counseling, and the 12 steps a few times a week.
Yes I have finally realized how badly I do want the church in my life!
I love my Savior so much, and I am so thankful for all of his help!
What Is going on with me? I feel like it's Satan that is attacking me and telling me to feel terrible and to hate Brandon. I have no patience what so ever, and I almost hate even looking at brandon.. Well all that has to change right now because Satan is going to ruin this marriage for us, and I know he wants to so bad! I just told Brandon that it feels as if I have hit rock bottom like I did 6 years ago the night that I almost ruined my life!
My dad told me I had to figure out what I wanted.
- did I want my life to change?
-Did I want to stop drugs and drinking?
- Did I want to get married?
- Did I want help?
-Did I want the church in my life?
Now I feel like I have to ask myself almost all of those same questions all over again.
Yes I so badly want my life to change for the better!
Yes I want help so badly, thats why I am going to counseling, and the 12 steps a few times a week.
Yes I have finally realized how badly I do want the church in my life!
I love my Savior so much, and I am so thankful for all of his help!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
8:11 Aug 11
Brandon went to his 12 step pornography class tonight.. he said he was tired, but I really wanted him to go.. On thursday he goes to his 12 step class.. The last few days have been hard like I have said, and the thing is, is that brandon if he doesnt want to believe or think he is doing anything wrong or being rude, he will always deny it! It seems like everything is always my fault and i'm always the one to blame. I hate it so bad! I have to say that once Brandon left, it was such a peaceful feeling in the house. I really liked being here, and doing whatever I wanted all by myself! What does that mean? I just don't know what to do in this life, I am so confused. he has always shown me that he cant stay a nice person, so why did I ever think differently? ya know Brad said to me, "Yes I can get divorced, and yes I could remarry.. and yes he might treat you better in some ways, but I garentee that you will be in the same position once again, because every man in this world just about jacks off, and looks at Porn. Some can control it, but most can't and don't." I just want to live alone for the rest of my life! I went to the Temple today to get some new garments for Brandon and I, and I want to badly to have my recommend again! Im going to call the Bishop tomorrow and ask to meet with him so that I can work on getting it! Brandon never has taken me back to the Temple and I can't say that he will take me again, because I frankly don't think he cares. I could be wrong, and if I am then I will admit it, but until i am shown differently than that is what I think.
Brad asked if Brandon was a robot, and I could make him do anything what would it be? I
-That he would never jack off again
-never look at porn again
-he would come home often with flowers or any kind of present for me
-he would write me letters (he can't ever express anything let alone how he feels about me..)
-he wouldn't make excuses anymore and he would grow up
-he would be consistant on a personality
I guess those are some things that I would change or program in him...
Honestly tonight I hate being married. I'm so afraid that everything is going down the shitter!
I'm watching Jon and Kate plus eight, and watching and hearing how they have split and are divorcing, I hate. I don't know them, but i am in a somewhat same situation. I have hate and hurtful feeling toward my spouse. I see the hurt in Kates eyes, maybe its fake whatever but I don't think so. Anyways, I just don't know. When Brandon is acting in the perfect way for me, I am so in love with him, and I have such good feelings inside me! I want to be with him every second! That quickly changes though as his personality changes up and down.
Brad asked if Brandon was a robot, and I could make him do anything what would it be? I
-That he would never jack off again
-never look at porn again
-he would come home often with flowers or any kind of present for me
-he would write me letters (he can't ever express anything let alone how he feels about me..)
-he wouldn't make excuses anymore and he would grow up
-he would be consistant on a personality
I guess those are some things that I would change or program in him...
Honestly tonight I hate being married. I'm so afraid that everything is going down the shitter!
I'm watching Jon and Kate plus eight, and watching and hearing how they have split and are divorcing, I hate. I don't know them, but i am in a somewhat same situation. I have hate and hurtful feeling toward my spouse. I see the hurt in Kates eyes, maybe its fake whatever but I don't think so. Anyways, I just don't know. When Brandon is acting in the perfect way for me, I am so in love with him, and I have such good feelings inside me! I want to be with him every second! That quickly changes though as his personality changes up and down.
9:14 Aug. 11
Morning, Once I finally went to sleep I had an okay night.. Why skylee wakes up every hour or every few hours I will never know! She turns 1 on the 28th or this month August.. I can't believe it! She has been so difficult for me this last year, but I love her so much I can't stand it! She is so cute, and so smart! Where my kids got there brain, I will never know, not from me that's for sure! I love Jaxon so much as well! he always has been so special to me! Going through this hard marriage, he has been my special buddy that has helped me keep going!
Well I still have anger this morning, I can't believe Brandon.. I really dont know if this will ever work. H just treats me like shit and never thinks of my feelings and that I might need love. I swear just because he has the sick ass problem he thinks everything is all about him.. Talking to his mom freaked me about how he always has been! He has serious problems, and it really discourages me! What do I do with him, and this marriage? I have to keep telling myself that it has only been one week, and that isn't long enough to make a judgement on! I can't say how bad I hate this though! I didnt ask for this when I married him, I thought things would be normal. I guess this is normal in this terrible world! I hate how he has made me feel, he has made me feel worthless, ugly, and a piece of crap! How do I get over this and get throught this hard time? What do I do ? Heavenly Father please help me! I can't do this without you, I need your love and help to get me through this so I can make good choices.. I know I havent made the best choices lately, I am sorry and I want help and the spirit with me.. Please help Brandon! Please help him get through this, and help him want this and that he will want to do everything possible.. Please help me put aside what Sharon has told me so that I can move forward! I really do want this to work Heavenly Father, I really do! Please help keep Satan out of our minds and out of our house! I know yesterday was a little difficult for me, but help me to get through each day!
Well I still have anger this morning, I can't believe Brandon.. I really dont know if this will ever work. H just treats me like shit and never thinks of my feelings and that I might need love. I swear just because he has the sick ass problem he thinks everything is all about him.. Talking to his mom freaked me about how he always has been! He has serious problems, and it really discourages me! What do I do with him, and this marriage? I have to keep telling myself that it has only been one week, and that isn't long enough to make a judgement on! I can't say how bad I hate this though! I didnt ask for this when I married him, I thought things would be normal. I guess this is normal in this terrible world! I hate how he has made me feel, he has made me feel worthless, ugly, and a piece of crap! How do I get over this and get throught this hard time? What do I do ? Heavenly Father please help me! I can't do this without you, I need your love and help to get me through this so I can make good choices.. I know I havent made the best choices lately, I am sorry and I want help and the spirit with me.. Please help Brandon! Please help him get through this, and help him want this and that he will want to do everything possible.. Please help me put aside what Sharon has told me so that I can move forward! I really do want this to work Heavenly Father, I really do! Please help keep Satan out of our minds and out of our house! I know yesterday was a little difficult for me, but help me to get through each day!
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:49 p.m. August 10
I have always been terrible at keeping a journal.. Well we just got a laptop and now I can talk about my life while im in bed.
Im going through a terrible time in my life, and to be quiet frank, sometimes I don't even want to live these days.. I found out that my husband has been living a seperate lie our whole marriage! I havent felt anything more terrible in my life.. He has been looking at pornography. What the freaking heck? Arent I good enough? Arent I pretty enough? I take care of our kids all day long and sometimes most of the nights because our kids don't sleep well at all.. and to repay me you go and f*** yourself? Tonight has been a bad night, I feel like Satan is getting to me and I cant let him! I have to write or tell someone my feeling sometime, and so I felt likeI wanted to start writing all these feelings down as a way for me to vent..
I decided that I really want this marriage to work, so I don't want to give up.. But days like this I want to say TA TA BRANDON, IM OFF TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE.. Then I have to say to myself I dont trust any man alive! Pornography is the sickest thing out there, and I hate it so much! I read this talk by Richard G. Scott and it's called the Sanctity of Womenhood.. It has changed my life, I have now realized how amazing women really are. Take Opra for example, the most successfull person alive almost. She is an amazing women and without a doubt will continue to help women till the day she dies. How does she do it? I still have so much to work on a person, mother, wife, and as a women. If I could make a difference in this world for women I would in a second! I wish I could tell every porn star out there how special they really are, I would. I have realized we act and dress the way we do, because men have such an impact on us, we want to make them want us so we pose as porn stars, dress imodestly or like sluts as I like to call it, when in the huge picture we don't need to. In that talk by President Scott he tells all men that if they treat women disrespectfully they will pay. If they rob us of our womenhood, they will pay! If I could only tell women that pose or even go to the store without a bra on, they are killing my marriage and thousands of other marriages! I do have to say that in the past when I was wanting to be accepted by a male in high school or epecially after high school,I wanted to be sluty, I wanted to give myself up because I wanted someone to want me.. I did give myself up to 10 to many guys.. including my husband before we were married.. how I regret that so much! I can never take that back!
For the first time I have said to myself I am so thankful for these garments that I wear! For how they keep me modest! I also say to myself I hope the second coming comes anyday now because im ready for all this hurt and pain to leave me! I don't care what it brings, please come fast and take all of us so that we can live in Heaven with our Heavenly Father and our older brother Jesus Christ! I hate this life.. I don't want my little boy growing up and turning into a pervert like his dad or everyother man in this world.. I also don't want my little girl to feel this pain that I am going through, to think that she has to give herself up to be accepted! This world is a rated R movie like people say, and I hate it!
My Faith is really being tried these days, and I need the strength to turn everything over to our Father in Heaven and say "okay im ready, I need to turn this over to you, I can't even beging to do this by myself anymore!" PlEASE HELP ME I CANT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU FATHER!
~B~
Im going through a terrible time in my life, and to be quiet frank, sometimes I don't even want to live these days.. I found out that my husband has been living a seperate lie our whole marriage! I havent felt anything more terrible in my life.. He has been looking at pornography. What the freaking heck? Arent I good enough? Arent I pretty enough? I take care of our kids all day long and sometimes most of the nights because our kids don't sleep well at all.. and to repay me you go and f*** yourself? Tonight has been a bad night, I feel like Satan is getting to me and I cant let him! I have to write or tell someone my feeling sometime, and so I felt likeI wanted to start writing all these feelings down as a way for me to vent..
I decided that I really want this marriage to work, so I don't want to give up.. But days like this I want to say TA TA BRANDON, IM OFF TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE.. Then I have to say to myself I dont trust any man alive! Pornography is the sickest thing out there, and I hate it so much! I read this talk by Richard G. Scott and it's called the Sanctity of Womenhood.. It has changed my life, I have now realized how amazing women really are. Take Opra for example, the most successfull person alive almost. She is an amazing women and without a doubt will continue to help women till the day she dies. How does she do it? I still have so much to work on a person, mother, wife, and as a women. If I could make a difference in this world for women I would in a second! I wish I could tell every porn star out there how special they really are, I would. I have realized we act and dress the way we do, because men have such an impact on us, we want to make them want us so we pose as porn stars, dress imodestly or like sluts as I like to call it, when in the huge picture we don't need to. In that talk by President Scott he tells all men that if they treat women disrespectfully they will pay. If they rob us of our womenhood, they will pay! If I could only tell women that pose or even go to the store without a bra on, they are killing my marriage and thousands of other marriages! I do have to say that in the past when I was wanting to be accepted by a male in high school or epecially after high school,I wanted to be sluty, I wanted to give myself up because I wanted someone to want me.. I did give myself up to 10 to many guys.. including my husband before we were married.. how I regret that so much! I can never take that back!
For the first time I have said to myself I am so thankful for these garments that I wear! For how they keep me modest! I also say to myself I hope the second coming comes anyday now because im ready for all this hurt and pain to leave me! I don't care what it brings, please come fast and take all of us so that we can live in Heaven with our Heavenly Father and our older brother Jesus Christ! I hate this life.. I don't want my little boy growing up and turning into a pervert like his dad or everyother man in this world.. I also don't want my little girl to feel this pain that I am going through, to think that she has to give herself up to be accepted! This world is a rated R movie like people say, and I hate it!
My Faith is really being tried these days, and I need the strength to turn everything over to our Father in Heaven and say "okay im ready, I need to turn this over to you, I can't even beging to do this by myself anymore!" PlEASE HELP ME I CANT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU FATHER!
~B~
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