Brandon went to his 12 step pornography class tonight.. he said he was tired, but I really wanted him to go.. On thursday he goes to his 12 step class.. The last few days have been hard like I have said, and the thing is, is that brandon if he doesnt want to believe or think he is doing anything wrong or being rude, he will always deny it! It seems like everything is always my fault and i'm always the one to blame. I hate it so bad! I have to say that once Brandon left, it was such a peaceful feeling in the house. I really liked being here, and doing whatever I wanted all by myself! What does that mean? I just don't know what to do in this life, I am so confused. he has always shown me that he cant stay a nice person, so why did I ever think differently? ya know Brad said to me, "Yes I can get divorced, and yes I could remarry.. and yes he might treat you better in some ways, but I garentee that you will be in the same position once again, because every man in this world just about jacks off, and looks at Porn. Some can control it, but most can't and don't." I just want to live alone for the rest of my life! I went to the Temple today to get some new garments for Brandon and I, and I want to badly to have my recommend again! Im going to call the Bishop tomorrow and ask to meet with him so that I can work on getting it! Brandon never has taken me back to the Temple and I can't say that he will take me again, because I frankly don't think he cares. I could be wrong, and if I am then I will admit it, but until i am shown differently than that is what I think.
Brad asked if Brandon was a robot, and I could make him do anything what would it be? I
-That he would never jack off again
-never look at porn again
-he would come home often with flowers or any kind of present for me
-he would write me letters (he can't ever express anything let alone how he feels about me..)
-he wouldn't make excuses anymore and he would grow up
-he would be consistant on a personality
I guess those are some things that I would change or program in him...
Honestly tonight I hate being married. I'm so afraid that everything is going down the shitter!
I'm watching Jon and Kate plus eight, and watching and hearing how they have split and are divorcing, I hate. I don't know them, but i am in a somewhat same situation. I have hate and hurtful feeling toward my spouse. I see the hurt in Kates eyes, maybe its fake whatever but I don't think so. Anyways, I just don't know. When Brandon is acting in the perfect way for me, I am so in love with him, and I have such good feelings inside me! I want to be with him every second! That quickly changes though as his personality changes up and down.
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